Subject I don't think anyone even reads my blogs
DateCreated 3/2/2008 9:11:00 PM
PostedDate 3/3/2008 6:00:00 PM
Body when I want to curl up on the floor and cry myself  to sleep, in hopes that I will not ever wake
there is no escape
there is no escape
there is no one to rescue me.

I hate myspace and accidental clicks of the back button.

I was born 17 years, 10 months, and 13 days ago.
but how long have I been alive? the times are scattered. I know have been alive at least for the last 1 year and 6 months minus 7 days. haha.

"Even when the days refused to shine
the light was always mine
the light was always mine
always mine"

that was supposed to be the happy part. it hits me so deeply I almost cried when I sung it. and then I definately had a lot of crying to do afterwards. it was supposed to be a melancholy song, but with hope in it. now it's all sad. I was just singing it at the wrong time. do you remember my singing? I was going to try to make it all up to you.

i don't think anyone takes the time to listen to what i sing. but i never sing around people who will listen. i really bare a lot of my soul. maybe someday someone can appreciate my words, and ignore my voice.

i doubt that would help anything though.
i just feel sick


I always wanted to be a musician. but i don't think I could ever really be good at it. what am I good at anyways? I just want to leave. everyone else is so lucky. I'm just stuck. haha.

or i coudl just die and skip all that. but i have reasons to live, right? i'm absolutely horrified, and think this is the thing i am most ashamed of out of everything in my entire life, but if i don't say it, i can't cry about it:

    the first thing that comes to mind when i think about reasons to live is money,      money for beautiful dresses - the ultimate form of escape. escape within            reality?

where am i going with all of this? why am I saying this?

why can't I just have a damn disease, a disease with a name, and excuse, and treatment, something, maybe not simple, but something concrete, and way to say "yes this will fix you" i don't want it to be my fault. i want to have a disorder. i want to have a disease. it'd rather have a problem like that then whatever the fuck I am going through right now.

i think I miss stefan. only because he is still perfect because of lack of intimacy. i know him just little enough to think that he is the friend who can solve my problems. but he can't, he doesn't know me. he is just my human diary. i want to see him again, to know what it feels like to interact in a relationship unblemished. but it would hurt all the more to lose another person.

like a moth to the light
the light was always mine