Subject Life is so confusing...
DateCreated 5/31/2007 11:21:00 AM
PostedDate 5/30/2007 11:43:00 PM
Body [preferred only]

Well, a lot of shit has been going on. Jordan has been stressed out because he can't get Matt out of his head. I didnt' know how to help him, I still don't. But I can't get rid of Matt. He's practically the only real friend that I have besides Jordan. And it wouldn't be right. But I still don't know how to help him, and it worries me. And it stresses him. A lot.

And now I'm starting to feel weird about Amanda again. I thought I was okay, but if this goes on,a nd I know it will, he'll be seeing her a lot more. I don't know how I will react to that. I'm not jealous, but I'm envious. It's so confusing, and I don't want to think about it. Not to avoid it, but because it's just so damn confusing.

And I almost lost him.
I don't know how I didn't.
I completely betrayed his trust. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that. It makes me feel so dirty, just the thought of doing anything to hurt him. I dont have any excuses. I'm usually so good about keeping my mouth shut. But I was so mad, and I was so confused. I just didn't give a fuck. I'd never been that mad. I couldn't even cry.

And I was mad too that he made me think that he was going to break up with me. I still don't understand that part. I've just beeen doing a lot of rash things lately, so maybe he just thought that's how it had to be. But it hurt so much. And then I had to go through it again.
I love him so much.
But I don't know how much more pain I can take.
So I'll try really hard not to mess up until I know I've healed for sure.

I'll still feel guilty for a long time. But that's the right way to feel.