|Subject||THE BEGINNING OF THE END|
|DateCreated||7/24/2006 9:27:00 PM|
|PostedDate||7/24/2006 8:47:00 PM|
Well, this has been a long summer. And it's getting longer. I figure that no one on here reads my blog, so I can blog without having to bug the people that I know on DeviantArt again.
In case you didn't know, Matt dumped me. A few weeks[or something] ago [I can't keep track of time anymore]. It's probably the most traumatizing experiance of my life. I'm still not over it. Not by a long shot.
Truth of the matter: I don't have much friends. I dont have anyfriends that I see or talk to on a regular basis. Not many I would feel comfortable to be around at all really. Matt is still my only friend. I still see him every week or so. Everything is almost the same. Almost. Sometimes. Not as much anymore.
Lots of stuff has happened since[or before then]. He's got other interests now. Another girl. He still talks to me everyday. It bugs me. He's really the only one I can talk to. Maybe I ought to get a journal. Then this wouldn't be written where anyone could see it.
He's done a lot of stuff he shouldn't have. A lot of stuff I would hope he regrets, but I forgive him for it. All of it. He's wronged me and others. It's hard for everyone.
My family knows, his family knows. But my family doesn't understand, and I don't know if his family approves. I know a couple don't.
I don't know the girl. I don't know what to think about her. I don't really want to think about her. But I don't think negatively at all. But does she really understand what he thinks? She's a part of it too, I suppose. I would sooner want to blame her than Matt. But I can't. And if I did he would be mad at me.
Move on. That's what everyone tells me to do. But I can't, not really. First loves die hard. First love, only love, really. I can't imagine anything else. But I have to? I can't just sit by and be depressed. I can't wish harm upon their relationship. But sometimes I do. I feel bad about it.
But I know, at least 1% of the time, maybe for a second of a day, he might still think about me the way he used to. I can't just let go of it so easily. Win him back. That's what I wanted to do. That's what I thought I was going to do. But I can't now. Now he has someone else. Now it's different. I thought I could convince him out of it. But he didn't really give me the chance.
I don't know how to get people to understand.I couldn't see things any other way. And I still can't. There really is no moving on for me. So I don't know what to do. Everything was cut off so quickly, I couldn't make the feelings go away. Even after I knew he kind of cheated on my a little, I still can't erase them. Anger doesn't help. It makes me feel sorry. It makes me apologize and break down crying.
I contemplate suicide occasionaly. But the idea scares me too much. And that would bring him back either. I know that.
The only thing to look forward to is school. Finding people I can talk to about it. And people that I can channel my lost feelings into. I hope everything turns right.
But everytime I look back. Even the music I heard around then, when we were first going out. When everything seemed perfect, like nothing would change. It makes me cry. He never made any promises, but everything he said... I thought would last forever in a way. But that's kind of crazy.
Only 2 more years in this house if I hope to go to collAge. And then what? I will probably have no friends. And live alone. Like a crazy cat lady.
" Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me
Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you "
EDIT: I just realized I could have made this a diary entry. But what the hell. I just won't.